The 108th Session of the Law Society got off the a comedic start earlier yesterday with is orientation week debate; Dubs vs Cluchies. The debate which was described as “as a bit of a scrap” by auditor James Brandon attracted a full house with students taking up any available standing space upstairs in the Fitzgerald debating chamber. Representatives from both sides embraced the humorous side of the motion immediately, with opening speaker for the Dubs Emman Idama launching the a salvo against those counties beyond the pale by calling Kildare a “5th world country”, to the shock of Kildare native and Culchie speaker Tara Hanlon (who was sporting her natie counties GAA jersey).
Idama referenced the counties lack of heroes, citing Dublin legends Conor McGregor and Brian O’Driscoll as true heroes of the Dubs, to which the Culchies had no equal. He would go onto begin what would become a regular attack on the Culchie way of life, the lack of Tinder options beyond “your brother, your brother’s friends, your cousin and your ex”. He spoke of the large variety of choice in Dublin, not just in partners, but also night clubs, though he still expected to find most of the Culchies in Copperface Jacks.
The first of the Culchies up to the podium was Tara Hanlin, the Law Societies outreach officer for the year. She would go on to confirm that contrary to prior statements from the Dub side, there is more to do down the country than “shagging sheep”. Continuing on from this Hanlin discussed that Dublin wasn’t actually the best at anything, that all the Dubs went to Galway for the best nights out, to Wexford for the beach days and down to Kerry for their holiday homes. Wrapping up her speech very promptly, Hanlin said she “doesn’t want to be rude or condescending to the Dubs, but she just feels sorry for them”, sending the chamber into fits of laughter.
Laura Byrne, a UCD graduate and stand up comedian upped the pressure on the Culchies by claiming the reason the area was known as the Pale was because “we were allowed to stay indoors as children, we were sent out to the bogs”. Launching into her offersnive she berated the Culchie men as being identifiable from their carbon copy style “a Dunne’s t-shirt ironed within an inch of its life by mammy, and crumpled again as it was tossed in a GAA bag”.
In an effort to blunt Byrne’s onslaught, Culchie Tommy McDarby questioned if Dublin was so great then why did so many Dubs make the trip to Laois for EP just last weekend. Byrne, not missing a step retorted that the state they left the site in showed just what the Dubs thought of Laois. Switching right back to her attack she questioned that if the country was really so great, why were all the Culchies (who made up approximately half the audience) were up in Dublin studying? Finally she referred to the history of the city, in what seemed like could’ve been a serious moment, though it was just a moment as she stated that Irish revolutionary hero Micheal Collins “left the Pale for just a second and was shot”, and such a thing would never happen in Dublin.
Tommy McDarby the Correspondence Secretary for the Law Society who had previously tried to halt Byrne’s attack took the stage next, aiming in his own words “to make a right show of himself”. He claimed he would base his argument for Culchie superiority on three planks: sex, driving and theatre. Reminding the audience that everyone, man woman (or dog) thought of sex on average once every seven seconds, he claimed that through rigorous study he had determined that Culchies had the upper hand in both size and technique. Furthermore the so called “walk of shame” was not as horrific as it was in Dublin. He went on to comment that even the simple things like driving were easier down the country, in part because one could park wherever they felt like it. Finally he commented on the more fluid nature of theatre that the Culchies get to enjoy, remarking particularly on “Darth Vader’s performance in Othello last night”.
Mark Smyth was the final man up for the Dubs, starting his argument by saying that the only reason this debate was happening was because the Culchie were jealous of the Dubs. Jealous not only of the choices they had, but also the “fact” that they existed. He then proposed that much of the Culchie homeland did not in fact exist, and that places like Longford were in fact “a deep state conspiracy” all perpetrated by De Valera to make up for the fact that he “lost the North”. He then argued that the people of Dublin should no longer take the regular insults from the Culchie people, and instead should attack them where they congregate; Supermacs, and ban their apparel of choice; bootcut jeans. His overall aim was not just to defeat the Culchies in debate but rather to “rid the island of their bog smell”. Needless to say his speech was well received by the Dublin supporters.
The final speaker of the day was Calem Martin, who seemingly forgot he was meant to support the Culchies and instead participated in a wonderful few minutes of bomb throwing and scorched earth tactics. Referring to both sides as “wankers” and that his hometown was just outside of Dublin, but somehow he was considered a success. While his town only had employment options in drug dealing, he would go not say that is also true of at least the Northern half of Dublin. Furthermore he argued that the South Dubs were only “bargain basement Brits” and really no better than those they pretend to lord above.
At last Martin came rounded his attack on those in the audience, claiming that UCD was really just a refugee camp for those from the parts of Ireland “we wouldn’t even send refugees to”. The only true solution was to construct a wall around the Ag Science building, so that both sides could live in peace.
The final straw poll from the day to determine the winner of the “motion” found the Culchies winning the day, followed by the announcement that the next debate would be on the legalisation of drugs and held at 6pm in the Fitzgerald Chamber.
Aaron Bowman – Co-Editor