A major breakthrough for climate change researchers occurred last week as scientists discovered that 70% of the effects of global warming are due to one man and his reckless lifestyle. The discovery came about accidentally as a group of scientists, while on lunch break, witnessed Paul drinking coffee from a disposable cup and smoking, not one, but two cigarettes. The small team of just 7 scientists naturally decided to follow him. They found that over the course of the day, Paul’s actions had contributed to the melting of about 12 polar ice caps, the extinction of 3 species of fish and the depletion of 7 miles of the ozone layer.

Paul (36), who lives alone in a semi detached house in Dundrum, Dublin, was questioned by a Turbine reporter on Sunday. He was asked for a statement as to why he has caused and continues to cause so much damage to our environment. Paul responded ‘’What? What are you talking about? Who are you and how did you get into my bathroom? I’m calling the police’’. So it is clear Paul has no intention of stopping his relentless assault on the earth’s decaying atmosphere. To make matters worse, he has now issued a restraining order against the Turbine and has even been seen shamelessly buying 2 cans of aerosol deodorant in the past week.

On the bright side, movie star Leonardo diCaprio is reportedly in the process of filming a Netflix documentary about Paul entitled ‘Paul: The Man Who Ruined The World’, which will be screened for the first time on the side of Paul’s house (via a large projector) on the 30th of June. Environmental activists have also announced plans for a protest march to Paul’s house sometime next week, though the details are yet to be confirmed.

Seán Farbuckt – Turbine Writer