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Turbine

Belfield Swans Forced to Offer up their Children to Afford Living on Campus

UCD’s rising rents aren’t just affecting students, the Turbine has learned. In conversation with the swans of UCD’s very own lakes, we learned that they themselves were forced to cough up more in return for living on campus. Their cost, though? Their own children.

“Honk”, said one swan.

It would appear that this is being done in efforts to profit more from the swans, or at the very least, to eventually work towards clearing them out to repurpose parts of campus that they currently live in. There are rumours of plans to build a yacht club for the staff as an extension to the new UCD University Club, which would encroach upon the territory of the swans.

We have confirmed that the swans were being forced to offer up their own children and, in exchange, they could continue to live on campus. What happens to their children is uncertain, and what happens when they eventually run out of children to offer is also unknown.

In conversation with the swan’s caretakers at UCD Estate Services, we were shocked that this hasn’t been the first rent related change for Belfield’s beloved birds. “Rents have been going up for years. The swans don’t even need to pay more money this time around. We are instead taking advantage of a natural biological process.”  

“We understand that it may come as a surprise they pay at all, but rest assured that this practice is consistent across the board – to us, everyone on UCD campus is just another animal”.

The UCD University Club, in the meantime, has also added new “poultry meat” of unknown origin to their menu, and we’re sure that change will ruffle a few feathers.

 

 

Agam Cobwag – Turbine Swan Charmer

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