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BREAKING: UCD Arts student reveals he “isn’t a communist”

During the past week rumours that an arts student might not be a communist have been spreading like the plague through the Newman building.

While that student’s name will not be released to protect the sanctity of the arts block, the Turbine can confirm the suspect has been banished to Quinn and it is now safe for arts students to return to lectures without fear of hearing “dissenting opinions”.

Eagle eyed Newman students have come forward on Twitter via the hashtag “#finallysafe” to explain the ‘red flags’ that they missed:

“Once in our ‘making-peace-with-your-future-unemployment’ tutorial he admitted that he had actually read “Das Kapital”, I should have known then. #finallysafe” admitted one Evan Stefano, a 19 year old Social Justice student. Speaking exclusively to the Turbine, Evan admitted that he missed the signs right from the start of term.

“I considered him a friend” a source close to the story disclosed, “I’m doubting everything I have ever known. He seemed so reasonable… how could I have known he would oppose an economic model which has routinely resulted in the deaths of millions of people?”

Joey McCarthy, founder of UCD’s ‘Marxist Feminist Socialist Union for the People’ group, has published a guide showing arts students how they can avoid capitalists and other dangerous ideologies. These guidelines include a series of questions such as “Wait, which one is the bourgeoisie again?”. McCarthy advises concerned arts students that “if the suspect seems generally informed about the whole Marx thing then keep a wide berth.” He also recommends avoiding the Engineering building.

 

Dugh Hooley

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