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Turbine

UCD President Revealed As The Emperor | Turbine

Shock rang out around Belfield campus today, as the galaxy’s most notorious villain was revealed to work at UCD. Following months of undercover investigation, The Turbine can now confirm that UCD’s President is in fact Emperor Palpatine.  Following a disgraced…

Exclusive Interview with Our Lord and Saviour, The UCD Prez Himself | Turbine

The Turbine chatted with the Prez on a Zoom call, touching on everything from movies and food to how he beats the blues!    Q: What’s your favourite time of day?  A: I much prefer the night time – I’m…

Turbine Now Officially A Pro-Deeks Paper

As the Editor of the Turbine, the only UCD paper not to have been sued in the last 2 years, I feel it is necessary to officially state something that has been on our minds for many weeks. I would…

Turbine: Don’t Worry, UCD Will Still Make A Profit!

With the ongoing lockdown of the country extended until May 5th, the country will remain at a complete standstill for weeks to come. That means essential workers only can travel to work, there are no educational facilities running, and all…

Turbine: “We haven’t protested anything in weeks”; Students cite ‘protesting’ as the main thing they miss in lockdown.

A recent poll run by UCD’s most prestigious newspaper; the Deekian Journal, sought to find out what activities students missed most about college during the COVID-19 lockdown. The survey, which was carried out using hidden microphones, asked 1,800 students a…

Turbine: Archaeology Student Only In It For The Money Gets A BIG SHOCK

Archaeology students across UCD were shocked yesterday upon finding out that the average entry-level pay for archaeology students was on average a mere €12.50 an hour, This has caused half of the Arts block to go into panic mode. Kelly…

Student Spends Record Breaking 3 Weeks Staring at Blank Page

When Barry O’Donnell sat down in mid-March to write his latest assignment, few could have imagined that he would make absolutely no progress in the next 3 weeks. In a feat of near unimaginable procrastination, O’Donnell managed to watch all…

BREAKING: UCD Arts student reveals he “isn’t a communist”

During the past week rumours that an arts student might not be a communist have been spreading like the plague through the Newman building. While that student’s name will not be released to protect the sanctity of the arts block,…

Students’ Union Achieves Nothing for “Record Breaking” 8th Year in a Row

UCD Students’ Union has surpassed all expectations and has achieved absolutely nothing this year. The news comes after SU Officers announced all the many things they haven’t achieved this year during their latest meeting. Last week’s Council Meeting began with…

UCD SWANS HAVE BEEN REPLACED WITH COMMUNIST SWAN BOTS

In the early hours of Tuesday morning, the Turbine was informed by an anonymous caller that the swans currently residing in the UCD lake have been entirely replaced by robotic swans overnight. To confirm these claims, the Turbine sent it’s…

Belfield Swans Forced to Offer up their Children to Afford Living on Campus

UCD’s rising rents aren’t just affecting students, the Turbine has learned. In conversation with the swans of UCD’s very own lakes, we learned that they themselves were forced to cough up more in return for living on campus. Their cost,…

UCD Would Have Gotten Away with the Increases if it Weren’t for those Meddling Kids!

Speaking exclusively to the Turbine after the recent tent actions by UCD students, an anonymous source on the University Management Team admitted that “It was US that rent gouged the students, and we would have gotten away with it too…