Student Spends Record Breaking 3 Weeks Staring at Blank Page
When Barry O’Donnell sat down in mid-March to write his latest assignment, few could have imagined that he would make absolutely no progress in the next 3 weeks. In a feat of near unimaginable procrastination, O’Donnell managed to watch all…
BREAKING: UCD Arts student reveals he “isn’t a communist”
During the past week rumours that an arts student might not be a communist have been spreading like the plague through the Newman building. While that student’s name will not be released to protect the sanctity of the arts block,…
Students’ Union Achieves Nothing for “Record Breaking” 8th Year in a Row
UCD Students’ Union has surpassed all expectations and has achieved absolutely nothing this year. The news comes after SU Officers announced all the many things they haven’t achieved this year during their latest meeting. Last week’s Council Meeting began with…
UCD SWANS HAVE BEEN REPLACED WITH COMMUNIST SWAN BOTS
In the early hours of Tuesday morning, the Turbine was informed by an anonymous caller that the swans currently residing in the UCD lake have been entirely replaced by robotic swans overnight. To confirm these claims, the Turbine sent it’s…
Belfield Swans Forced to Offer up their Children to Afford Living on Campus
UCD’s rising rents aren’t just affecting students, the Turbine has learned. In conversation with the swans of UCD’s very own lakes, we learned that they themselves were forced to cough up more in return for living on campus. Their cost,…
UCD Would Have Gotten Away with the Increases if it Weren’t for those Meddling Kids!
Speaking exclusively to the Turbine after the recent tent actions by UCD students, an anonymous source on the University Management Team admitted that “It was US that rent gouged the students, and we would have gotten away with it too…
UCD Launches New Scheme to Address Campus Rents, called the “Don’t Be Poor” Scheme
News of the “Don’t be Poor” scheme has surged across UCD like a Haitian tsunami engulfing conversation by conversation in a tidal wave of offense and outrage. The plan, which seeks to eliminate all students whose net worth is less…
Gone Viral: CoronaVirus Shocked at Newfound Popularity
After his recent explosion in popularity, The Turbine spoke to the newfound chinese superstar, CoronaVirus. In recent weeks, Mr. Corona has been spreading like an epidemic and gained recognition from the World Health Organisation. “It’s been deadly bro,” Corona began,…
Leprechaun Sues Pride Movement for Stealing Rainbow
Imagine being a poor leprechaun struggling to deal with the difficulty of trying to hide your gold in a country experiencing a massive population boom, but then the symbol you use for marking your treasure gets stolen by a political…
NEW YEARS: World Confuses Resolutions with Revolutions and Everything Goes Wrong
As crowds of people across the world watched the clock .count down another year, thoughts soon strayed from the awkward few seconds after everyone starts kissing, to the year that lay ahead. In the drunken haze of dodgy clubs and…
UCD Bird Community Gets a Sexy New Arrival
This week on UCD Birdwatch, we’re covering some breaking news on the return of the infamous UCD Water Rail, a welcome return to our campus’s stunning bird community (birds of flight, definitely not ladies). There were many beautiful birds in…
Ents Begin Last March in Protest Against Australian Wildfires
In a dramatic response to the Australian wildfires that have plagued the New South Wales region since the start of the Southern Hemisphere summer, Treebeard has assembled the Ents of Australia for what could very well be their last march. …