College Tribune

Independent UCD News

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‘A+’ Student Hospitalised Over “No Study” Claim

An Garda Síochana have announced that the three UCD students arrested with conjunction to a grave assault of another student have been released and will face no charges for their participation in the incident. The students who were facing charges…

Christmas Now Officially Begins November 1st

As drunk and exhausted Halloween partiers returned home, Supermarket workers across the country were called into work to hang up Christmas decorations. This was in reaction to a recent announcement from Pope Francis that “Halloween now literally starts the second…

UCD Announces Plans to Leave EU

Last Friday, University College Dublin announced its plans to leave the European Union. After a four-hour long meeting with UCD executive committee, our glorious leader Andy Cheeks emerged with a plan.  Cheeks stated in a press conference: “Too long have…

Facebook User Awarded Nobel Prize for Applying Frame to Profile Picture

UCD student Molly Casey joined an esteemed group of human rights campaigners and politicians on Thursday after being awarded the Nobel peace prize. The 22 year old received the award for the courageous way she put an ‘I stand with…

Extinction Rebellion Protest New Carbon-Emitting Trend Called “Breathing”

Inspired by a recent study which has revealed that a recent trend being called “breathing” may be leading to increased carbon emissions, a 400-strong group of students and activists marched on Leinster House demanding the government ban the popular trend….

BREAKING: College Tribune Investigated for Use of Slave Labour

News rocked UCD as An Garda Síochána announced in a recent press conference that there is an ongoing investigation into the student newspaper for allegedly using slave labour. The Turbine spoke to one of the alleged slave labourers upon their…

Dublin Seagulls Voted Europe’s Friendliest

This week, the International Board of Feathered and Winged Egg-Laying Vertebrate Mammals (widely known as FWELVM) published the results of their much anticipated study on the world’s friendliest birds. The prestigious study is conducted annually by a combination of Harvard,…

NEW RESEARCH: ASMR is totally not creepy

A recent study by Harvard Professor Dr. Matt Walker PhD, 48, into the field of neurology has found that ASMR, is “totally not creepy at all” and instead found that those who watch it are likely to be well adjusted…

MacBook Users Found to be at Greater Risk of “Smug Superiority”, a New Study Finds

A new study has rocked the world of apple users everywhere, with results finding that MacBook users are at greater risk of the often-fatal disease ‘Smug Superiority’. Also known colloquially as ‘my parents make a combined 110k a year’ and…

Turbine

Dublin Bus Drivers Declare Their Love for Servicing UCD at Night

Despite claims from the Student Union that Dublin Bus unions, SIPTU and NRBU, told their drivers not to stop in UCD past 10pm, Dublin Bus officials told the Turbine that they love UCD students in a recent interview. Speaking to…

Sports Minister Shane Ross Accidentally Pledges Increased Sports Funding to ‘Rowing Hero’ Gary Hutch

In the latest name foul-up for the Minister for Sport, Shane Ross issued a press release this morning pledging to increase the funding currently available for Irish Rowers, as well as vowing to increase individual player supports for several elite…

Duffy to Install Live Dragon at Áras an Uachtaráin if Elected President

In one of the more surprising announcements to come out of the Ploughing Championships in Offaly last week, presidential hopeful Gavin Duffy raised the bar for his fellow candidates by promising to install a live Dragon into the Áras if…