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UCD SWANS HAVE BEEN REPLACED WITH COMMUNIST SWAN BOTS

In the early hours of Tuesday morning, the Turbine was informed by an anonymous caller that the swans currently residing in the UCD lake have been entirely replaced by robotic swans overnight. To confirm these claims, the Turbine sent it’s…

Belfield Swans Forced to Offer up their Children to Afford Living on Campus

UCD’s rising rents aren’t just affecting students, the Turbine has learned. In conversation with the swans of UCD’s very own lakes, we learned that they themselves were forced to cough up more in return for living on campus. Their cost,…

UCD Would Have Gotten Away with the Increases if it Weren’t for those Meddling Kids!

Speaking exclusively to the Turbine after the recent tent actions by UCD students, an anonymous source on the University Management Team admitted that “It was US that rent gouged the students, and we would have gotten away with it too…

UCD Launches New Scheme to Address Campus Rents, called the “Don’t Be Poor” Scheme

News of the “Don’t be Poor” scheme has surged across UCD like a Haitian tsunami engulfing conversation by conversation in a tidal wave of offense and outrage. The plan, which seeks to eliminate all students whose net worth is less…

Gone Viral: CoronaVirus Shocked at Newfound Popularity

After his recent explosion in popularity, The Turbine spoke to the newfound chinese superstar, CoronaVirus.  In recent weeks, Mr. Corona has been spreading like an epidemic and gained recognition from the World Health Organisation. “It’s been deadly bro,” Corona began,…

Leprechaun Sues Pride Movement for Stealing Rainbow

Imagine being a poor leprechaun struggling to deal with the difficulty of trying to hide your gold in a country experiencing a massive population boom, but then the symbol you use for marking your treasure gets stolen by a political…

NEW YEARS: World Confuses Resolutions with Revolutions and Everything Goes Wrong

As crowds of people across the world watched the clock .count down another year, thoughts soon strayed from the awkward few seconds after everyone starts kissing, to the year that lay ahead.  In the drunken haze of dodgy clubs and…

UCD Bird Community Gets a Sexy New Arrival

This week on UCD Birdwatch, we’re covering some breaking news on the return of the infamous UCD Water Rail, a welcome return to our campus’s stunning bird community (birds of flight, definitely not ladies). There were many beautiful birds in…

Ents Begin Last March in Protest Against Australian Wildfires

In a dramatic response to the Australian wildfires that have plagued the New South Wales region since the start of the Southern Hemisphere summer, Treebeard has assembled the Ents of Australia for what could very well be their last march. …

‘A+’ Student Hospitalised Over “No Study” Claim

An Garda Síochana have announced that the three UCD students arrested with conjunction to a grave assault of another student have been released and will face no charges for their participation in the incident. The students who were facing charges…

Christmas Now Officially Begins November 1st

As drunk and exhausted Halloween partiers returned home, Supermarket workers across the country were called into work to hang up Christmas decorations. This was in reaction to a recent announcement from Pope Francis that “Halloween now literally starts the second…

UCD Announces Plans to Leave EU

Last Friday, University College Dublin announced its plans to leave the European Union. After a four-hour long meeting with UCD executive committee, our glorious leader Andy Cheeks emerged with a plan.  Cheeks stated in a press conference: “Too long have…