College Tribune

Independent UCD News

Turbine

Pope to Canonise Every Dog

Speaking in St. Peter’s Basilica in Vatican City last week, Pope Francis announced that he intends to canonise every dog on earth as a way of thanking them for existing and for ‘…being such good boys and girls’. His Holiness…

How To Speak to An American

You’re in college so chances are you’ve happened across one of our American cousins. Until now, you’ve only ever seen an American in movies like “Police Academy 2” and “When Harry Met Sally”. Unless of course you’re from D4, in…

Sinn Fein’s Gerry Kelly Caught Using Invisible Car to Avoid Garda Checkpoint

Gerry Kelly MLP is facing more hot water this week as footage emerged online showing the Member of the Northern Irish Parliament using an invisible car in order to avoid being breathalysed by Gardaí at a checkpoint in Monaghan over…

Drug Festival Announces It Will Have Music This Year

The annual ‘Craic in the Park’ Drug Festival, which takes place in St. Stephen’s Green from July 11th till whenever all of the supplies run out, has announced it will now have musical acts playing in the background. The group…

Five Secret Tips for being the Ultimate University Tutor

Be cool. You want them to like you. This is your opportunity to be the teacher you always wished you had. If you follow these 5 steps, you’re well on your way to Coolsville. Population – you. Give yourself a…

Student Risked Starvation for Fear of Small Talk in Kitchen

In a recent interview, UCD student John Hughes shared his harrowing experience of how he almost starved to death in his Digs. The brave 19-year-old, who is enjoying his first year of engineering, is currently renting a room in a…

Trump Resigns After Z-List Celebrity Roasts Him On Twitter

After a horrible year in office, during which time he enacted many awful policies that caused so much hurt and suffering for good people, Donald Trump was forced to resign as President of the United States. It was not the…

Varadkar Recommends Buying Cryptocurrency to Raise Deposit for House

In the Dáil recently, An Taoiseach, Leo Varadkar, suggested that people should turn to cryptocurrency markets in order to raise the money for the deposit required for a mortgage. Under current Central Bank rules, prospective homeowners must raise 20% of…

Aquaman Dies After Ingesting Plastic

It is with great sadness that I must recount the death of the dearly beloved superhero, Aquaman, AKA Arthur Curry, who passed away yesterday in a tragic accident. He was swimming with friends off the coast of California, when Superman…

Hamster Starting to Think Playing Dead Prank Was a Bad Idea

“Initially I thought it would be hilarious you know, playing dead to freak out little Mary and her poor parents for a while”, Hammy the Hamster said in his exclusive interview with the Turbine. “And, you know, to be fair,…

Letter to the Editor: Millennials

Dear Editor, I am writing in to tell you how SICK I am of hearing and seeing MILLENNIALS whining about life and how they struggle to afford basic human necessities. They are GREEDY AND UNGRATEFUL and I am SICK of…

Government Receiving Horrific Abuse on Social Media

This last week has been described as being tough for the government with many of our crazed citizens taking to the internet to express their dissatisfaction with its performance. A litany of disparaging messages were sent to the Facebook pages…