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Woman Starting to Suspect Husband Does Not Play Guitar Or Use Weights

Sharon Williams has recently begun to suspect that Michael, her husband of 4 months, does not in fact play the guitar nor use the weights that are both placed prominently in his room. “I mean, the guitar was always placed…

Microwave Control Debate Needed As Fifth Student Is Vaporised

Last Monday, UCD Student Centre witnessed yet another microwave-related tragedy. Another student suffered complete evaporation due to incorrect use of the new microwaves. There was an ambulance parked outside the doors, but there was nothing the paramedics could do. “This…

5 Reasons Why UCD Students Don’t Clean Up After Themselves

UCD students are reportedly terrible at picking up after themselves despite being old enough to know how to do it. Peak rubbish-leaving areas include the Insomnia Café, Subway in the Gerald Manley Hopkins building, and every table in the Newman…

3 Subtle References In The Shawshank Redemption You’ll Only Understand If You’re Me

When Andy befriends Red, showing how friendship can endure terrible situations and exceeds all boundaries people are faced with, it is also a metaphor for the time I spilled a full plate of lasagna onto the roof of my neighbour’s…

The Finest Homeless in Europe

Daniel O’Connell once referred to the Irish as the finest peasantry in Europe. Now our peasantry is depleted and we are left with next to nothing to be proud of. The country of proud beggars, standing in shameless servility to…

Varadkar, Trudeau and Macron Host Charity Car Wash For Magaluf Trip

Yesterday, Leo Varadkar announced his plan to take part in a charity car wash this Wednesday alongside French Prime Minister Emmanuel Macron and the Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. The aim of the car wash is raise funds for the…

Scientists Find Health Benefits from Merely Wearing a Fitbit

In a recently published paper in the American scientific journal, Integrum Mendacium, health expert Dr Rupert Thomson revealed the results of his long-awaited study into the effects of wearing a Fitbit wristband. Conducted in conjunction with leading experts from colleges…

Ryanair Offer Seats for 50c

In an effort to bounce back from what has been a terrible few weeks for the Irish company, Ryanair have announced that they are doing a flash sale where tickets will be available for as little as 50 cents. This…

Hollywood Studio Plans to Remake Harrison Ford

This week, the CEO of Thirtieth Century Giraffe announced his studio’s plans to launch a remake of Harrison Ford within the next decade. “Remakes of classic movies have been immensely successful over the last couple of years”, Mr Brandt said…

Varadkar Seeking To Hire Some Friends

Fine Gael leader Leo Varadkar is currently on the hunt for ‘friends’ to hire. The news comes as he was forced to create a Strategic Communications Unit, to make him seem slightly likeable, costing the Irish people €200,000 a year…

Advice To The Spanish Government

Dear Spaniards, After witnessing your recent fracas with some of your people, I would like to offer you two pieces of advice based on our experience with the Irish. When the Irish would get roused up for little rebellions, we…

Man Wakes Up With Bizarre Face Tattoo Removed

Daniel Fisher woke up at noon last Sunday with a splitting headache after a night of drinking with the lads. “I knew something was up the moment I woke up”, he recalled to us in our exclusive interview. “Like, I…