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Christmas Now Officially Begins November 1st

As drunk and exhausted Halloween partiers returned home, Supermarket workers across the country were called into work to hang up Christmas decorations. This was in reaction to a recent announcement from Pope Francis that “Halloween now literally starts the second that Halloween ends” on the Pontifex Twitter account. Across Ireland, however, the Papal decree was taken very seriously by Supermarket chains. So, at 11:59pm on October 31st, thousands of shopping centre workers were donning gloves and Santa Hats, ready to tear down the spiders and witches to replace them with small versions of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer. 

Critics of the Pope have suggested that this announcement was in reaction to an upcoming bill in the Dáil that seeked to ban christmas music being played before December 1st. Religious scholars weighed in on this bill saying that this infringes upon religious freedoms, Irish Taoiseach, Leo the Lion, responded that “Playing Christmas music halfway through November is an assault on [his] humanity.” The U.N. Human Rights council have adjourned to decide whether it is an offence against Humanity itself to play “Baby It’s Cold Outside” before at least December 14th. This issue has been catapulted to the top of their legislative agenda due to the seriousness of the potential aftereffects of having to deal with lecturers wearing Christmas Jumpers for like two whole months.

A Dáil official has revealed that voting on existing bills to criminalise workplace Kris-Kringles and the plan to institute capital punishment for anyone caught dressing up their car as a Reindeer will go ahead during Friday’s sitting.

 

Dugh Hooley

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