1.

I’m actually gonna study law in case you didn’t know, but what should I do?

First of all, you need to start bragging about how many contact hours you have. How will your friends in Newman know that they aren’t doing a real course if you don’t?

2.

Help! What happens if I don’t submit an article in time?

Ah the panicked tone of a first year, I actually have three assignments late while I respond to your terrified questioning. Fear not, say a quick prayer to Dandy Beeks, load yourself up with coffee, and wake up tomorrow swearing you’ll “write it today, no excuses” for the third time this week.

3.

I’m gonna be in Newman and I’m not a communist, help!

See question 16: “How do I transfer to Quinn?”. You are not welcome here, begone heathen.

4.

Someone invited me to a protest but I can’t go, what should I do?

Fear not, students protest something different every day of the week, just go to the next one! Worried you might miss a protest that will change society for the better? Might you miss history in the making? Don’t and you won’t.

5.

I’m lost and I don’t know how to read a map! Help!

Hi, welcome to Newman, your barista training class is that way. Make sure you attend because your Arts course isn’t getting you a job!

6.

How do I join the Students’ Union? I want to affect real substantive change to social norms and make the community of UCD a better place!

Firstly, welcome to Newman. Secondly, you shouldn’t. Thirdly, you won’t.

7.

I’ve only been in UCD 15 minutes but I don’t want people to know that I’m a first-year, what should I do?

Firstly, ditch the scarf. Stuff it so far into your locker that you won’t find it until before you graduate. Sadly this will only make it less obvious; the half terrified, entirely lost look on your face is the real giveaway. Thankfully COVID is hiding at least half of that issue.

8.

I’m paying heaps for college but it’s gonna be entirely online! This is extortion! Who can I blame?

While, as a UCD student, you usually blame Daddy for your problems, I have great news! You can join the rest of us and blame: UCD Prez Deeks, Simon Harris, the economy, UCD’s ties to China or better yet… the Government. For in the words of Andrew Deeks: “Roses are red, Violets are blue, Government Funding… Where are you?”

9. 

What’s a trimester?

UCD’s attempt to be as posh as Trinity but also as international as the UN.

10.

I don’t have a question, but just wanted to let you know I’m applying to study medicine…

11.

I can’t wait to go to the Clubhouse! Can’t wait to throw back cheap pints with the boys soon!

No joke needed, our entire college experience is the punchline.

12.

I want to be a student journalist… any advice?

Don’t! You’ll end up bitterly writing satire articles in a desperate attempt to cling onto some relevance and meaning in your like ultimately ending in a breakdown. But don’t worry, you won’t be self-aware…. Oh… wait a sec-

13.

I don’t think this article is funny, help!                                           

Me neither! We have so much in common already, if you think you could do a better job; send an email saying so to ‘[email protected]’ Come and write yourself!

Dugh Hooley – Belfield’s Most Waspish Snooze Editor