We here at the Turbine are sad to report the first Resolution-related death of 2015 here in Ireland. Paddy McGuire, pharmacy age 32, nurse died of a heroin overdose early last night as he strived to maintain his promise to “try something new every day”.

Mr McGuire, a man known to be the self-proclaimed King of Banter in Drogheda, felt his life had become stale in the past few years as fewer and fewer things exited him in the way they did before he entered his relationship with  his now Ex-Girlfriend Clare. He therefor decided to spice up his life by vowing to try at least one new thing every day for the entirety of 2015.

Sadly for Paddy, his imagination was limited and by the 19th of January he had exhausted the safe options for his new outlook on life. He then moved on to more and more illicit activities, which culminated in the consumption of at least 6 doses of heroin in under 24 minutes. Before carrying out the act, he had posted to his Facebook page reminding those who had not yet gotten around to blocking his self-righteous pontification that he had maintained his resolution despite the best efforts of basic intelligence and human instinct.

His Girlfriend Clare, who had the displeasure of finding Mr Maguire, was shocked and appalled that his trend had reached this point. “He was always a joker, never one to take life too seriously. It’s just a shame that this resolution was all that mattered to him”. Clare herself had vowed to not have a resolution this year, and is now patting herself on the back for it.

Paddy’s story should be seen as a cautionary tale to everyone, to not let your resolutions this year consume your life and remember that its meant to be about self-improvement, not showing off.  And realistically, we can’t all keep up the tri-weekly gym visits like the entire Turbine Staff. But some people are born great, others just have to make do.#wholenewme

 

Andrew Dorman
Turbine Editor