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This week Al responds to emails that weren’t lewd photos, medical frapes or hate mail!

Q: Hi Al, loved your column last week. You do kinda look like a gay vampire in your photo though – very pale, black hair and like you’ve “c’e to suck…” mething. Camp Dracula maybe?…I know, I’m gas. Anyways, I’m a Fresher but I’m hoping to get into debating ‘cos I need the attention. I’m not great at thinking on the spot, though, and I’m nervous about taking points of information from spectators. How could I overcome this? Fresh as F*ck Fresher.

A: Hi Fresh, thanks for pointing out the vampire likeness! Last Halloween my costume was that of a Camp Dracula type, only I referred to myself as GLAAD the Impaler – the Gay Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation reference was lost on most.

I’m not sure how you might improve your ad-lib oratorical skills, but I do have a neat debating trick for you. As we know, points of information are offered from spectators who rise up from their seat during your speech. Here’s something that worked a treat for me; during your first minute of protected time, announce to the chamber that you welcome anyone present with whom you’ve have had wild, life changing, post-Miley-Cyrus-wrecking-ball-breakdown, nastily kinky sex with to stand up and make themselves known to the room at any time during your speech. Should your speech from that moment on be nothing more than garrulous arse gravy the likes of which jesus-journos could only masturbate to in the secret confines of their personal chapel or oratory, if you’ll excuse the pun, worry not! Anyone offering a point of information can be then waved down politely with a “Yes, we did f*ck. You were great in bed”, or cruelly dismissed with a “Sorry I never called”!

Q: Al, I’ve been itching to get this off my chest for weeks. Se*e attached image.
Do you think this rash is an STD? Anonymous Drama Student.

A: Anonymous, I’m loving the pun. Check out Baggot Street clinic – a clinic that describes itself as being for ‘gay men, bi-men and men who have sex with men’. They might aswell say gay-for-pay, but as a former aspiring thespian myself, I think an equally fitting description would be a clinic for ‘gay men, bi men and actors.’

Q: Al, I’ve lived in Ireland for years, but I’m worried for many of my gay & lesbian friends still living in Russia. I feel I’m not doing enough to support them. Anna

Hi Anna, I too genuinely despair at discrimination of the kind Putin endorses. Perhaps you could inform them of a new, rather distasteful but perhaps useful, gameshow recently syndicated where LGBT russians win asylum by performing, live-in-studio, their best impersonations of tyrants gone by…It’s called Tsars In Their Eyes.