For us lucky singletons, the Pandemic presents yet another obstacle for dating (or a hook up, if you are so inclined). As someone who has found themselves the perfect Victorian-style romantic pen pal, I feel I can offer some stellar advice to the public:
Enjoy the benefits of zoom dating – I.E. snap a filter on an ugly face, pretend to have a bad connection if you need an escape route, wear pyjama bottoms, bring your pets (they’re probably more interesting), and blow some kisses to spice things up a bit.
Questioning your sexuality
Now is the perfect time to realise that you may be queer! After potential years of ascribing to heteronormative values, you can open your mind to a rainbow of different alternatives whilst being able to take no physical action whatsoever.
Enjoy catfishing (for a change)
Due to the public health risks posed by the pandemic, catfishing has become extremely popular. As a Catfish, you can wholeheartedly assume your dream identity using the old ‘risk to public safety’ excuse. In this glorious era of catfishing, nerds become jocks, jocks become lesbians and older men become…well you get the picture. Similarly, as a victim of catfishing, you can bask in their superficial adoration of you, safe in the knowledge you will never have to meet them.
Meeting in the flesh
Dating in the flesh within the 5km range Is ok. Make sure you are always masked, keep your hands disinfected and preferably gloved. As the saying goes ‘Don’t be randy. Wrap your handies’. Anne Summers sells sexy beekeeper suits now, for in-bubble dates.
Public displays of affection
Don’t do this unless you want to be tazored under the emergency powers act. To keep your distance, remember you need to keep 2 metres apart.To put this in perspective, act as if you are attending a 1960’s dance in catholic Ireland, with an exceptionally meticulous priest as the host.
Overall if we work together, and follow the above advice, us singletons can at least act as a form of population control against couples who have selfishly chosen this time to procreate (probably accidentally, because what else would you be doing). We will emerge from the ashes like horny phoenix’s, with stashes of quills for our love letters, and extensive porn collections. Enjoy folks!
The Jessanatar – Femme Fatale