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NEW RESEARCH: ASMR is totally not creepy

A recent study by Harvard Professor Dr. Matt Walker PhD, 48, into the field of neurology has found that ASMR, is “totally not creepy at all” and instead found that those who watch it are likely to be well adjusted members of society.

Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, or ASMR, which can be loosely translated as “Automatic Orgasm of the Senses”, is a new trend which has been “taking The Facetubes by storm” according to the research study, n=10,000.

When asked to define ASMR in a recent interview with the Turbine, Dr. Walker described it as “attractive women whispering into and caressing microphones in a soft and caring manner which reminds me of the girlfriends I never had thanks to the many years I’ve spent on my diligent research”. Many of these videos are uploaded to YouTube channels with millions of subscribers and more recently has featured notable celebrities such as Carbi D tapping awkwardly on microphones while laughing at the entire concept of the trend on the X channel. “I mean, I’ve really got no idea what this MASR thing is to be honest,” reportedly laughed Carbi D as she left the recording booth,” my publicist just said that this will help me to appeal to my new demographic.” 

In support of Carbi D’s opinion on the trend’s demographics, the study found that just over 100% of ASMR listeners were virgins. Dr. Walker, however, claims that the research clearly shows that there is NOTHING wrong with being a 48 year old virgin.

The study concludes that ASMR is a non-sexual experience and recommends that the study’s readers should attempt to fill the void left by a youth spent cooped up in sweaty university libraries with one of the 14 million ASMR mic brushing videos on YouTube.

 

Dugh Hooley – Turbine Reporter (Satire)

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