NEW YEARS: World Confuses Resolutions with Revolutions and Everything Goes Wrong
As crowds of people across the world watched the clock .count down another year, thoughts soon strayed from the awkward few seconds after everyone starts kissing, to the year that lay ahead.
In the drunken haze of dodgy clubs and worn down pubs, people discussed their hopes and aspirations. Two naggins ago this plight would possibly have been successful, leading to the yearly fits of denial portrayed through the “I’m going to go to the gym twice a day daily”, or the “I’m going to quit drinking” from the student currently making their way through their 9th Tesco lager. However this year took a somewhat darker turn. Under the influence of copious amounts of jager and flat Fosters, New Year’s resolutions were confused with revolutions. An easy mistake.
Unconfirmed reports of this confusion originating from an incomprehensible Offaly lad who says he played county cannot currently be corroborated, however these claims seem reasonable. Within days the effect of this monumental mess up could be seen across the globe. World War Three began trending on Twitter, closely followed by the Australian bushfires and Fine Gael commemorating the RIC. This truly was the end of times. Sources close to The Turbine were reported as saying that the war that will surely ensue will result in violence, bloodshed and tears. They were, of course, referring to the predicted snap election between Irish political parties.
Until then, further commemorations are reported as being in the works. A leaked memo exclusively reveal these to be; Fine Gael commemorating the 2009 French World Cup team, crying puppies and most shockingly, the dark side of the force. Regardless of what side of Irish politics you fall on, we here at The Turbine believe we can all agree on one thing in this world, don’t believe an Offaly lad in Dicey’s who said he played county.
Evan Stevens – Turbine Reporter