Newman Building to Be Left Fallow for a Year

The UCD administration has announced that the Newman building is to be left fallow over the coming months. The decision was made in accordance with the basic principles of crop rotation. Studies have shown that fallow periods are vital in reducing soil erosion and increasing soil fertility and crop yield.

A spokesperson for the administration has stated that the measure is necessary due to the excessive leaching of minerals by arts students. Levels of leaching have not been mitigated in spite of a strict ban on student leaching introduced by the administration early in the last semester.

When this newspaper inquired what is next in the crop cycle once the fallow period ends, the spokesperson replied: ‘Maize. It is always productive. When it goes abroad on Erasmus in third year, it works wonders for Irish exports.’

The plans represent the latest development in UCD’s increasingly agricultural approach to education. Last year, the administration examined the effects of different educational fertilisers on student performance and career progression.

Findings made after the graduation harvest revealed that students fertilised with STEM subject knowledge transitioned the most smoothly into vacancies in the job market. Arts subject knowledge as a fertiliser was less effective in that category, but still resulted in significant cognitive gains. The remaining students, who were fertilised with tomato feed, performed very badly. The tomato feed really harmed them.

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Karl O’Reilly  |  Turbine Editor

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