We interviewed Alabaster Snowball, Santa’s former employee and head elf at the North Pole HQ. Due to the strange occurrences taking place at North Pole HQ, Alabaster has been forced to enter the film and Media industry as a stunt Dwarf. His Autobiography “Santa and Servitude: Pride, Presents and Punishment”, will reach shelves nationwide in January 2021.
Mr Snowball what happened at North Pole HQ? What lead you to depart after 100 Years of Servitude?”.
“I’m doing this for the kids. Under the SANTA placement scheme, we source a new Santa to fill out the onerous duties set down by the festive fun act 1879. These new protective measurements came about following the Polish Sleigh incident in 1878. I won’t elaborate further out of respect for the late Nicolaus Klaus’ direct descendants. Potential candidates are globally sourced, and HR endeavoured as part of their diversity scheme to include SANTAS of different races, religions, and abilities to ensure presents are produced, stockpiled, and delivered in an impartial and unbiased manner. Sylvester Santarino was the first Mexican Santa North Pole HQ ever had. He came from an impoverished pueblo and was a devout catholic. Once the employment contracts are signed, they are simultaneously magically and legally binding, with major curse clauses in place to prevent breaking the contract/replacing any given Santa.
Within the first 3 months Santarino performed extraordinarily. The reindeers were lovingly groomed, and there were no secretive commercial backhanded deals with Pepsi or Kellogg’s. From the third month onwards, a rapid decline took place. Santarino was no longer jolly but frazzled and confused. His beard was sticky and full of dreadlocks. Instructions to the workshops became garbled with thousands of barbies being produced and few kens, Tiddlywinks sets instead of footballs, and oddly hundreds of shoehorns. I entered the reindeer shed to see Prancer emaciated with a bloated distended stomach. A fattened exotic breed of donkey stood above Prancer. His name was Jose Giorgio and he brought with him a disease that ensured half the stock were dead a mere month later.
He got my name wrong every. Single. Time. “Fuck it nino I call you tiny Tim”. By the fourth month we called in a specialist from Austria Dr Reuben Schulhoffer. Dr Schulhoffer confirmed Adult ADHD to be the culprit alongside manic depression. Sylvester refused treatment though “I DON’T NEED NADA! ZILCHO!” Christmas Eve was a disaster. The reindeer call up was dreadful “DASHER DANCER EM …DONER KEBAB BLITZIE AND GEORGIO”. The obese Donkey dragged the skeletal crew of reindeer down. Santarino could not read a map and had a very poor sense of direction. We seemed to fly over Mexico six times and did not visit Africa at all. “YOU DIDN’T VISIT ANY OTHER YEAR EITHER”. Toys were flung in every direction with a corn remover going to a 16-year-old boy, and a semi-naked Kim Kardashian poster at a nunnery. We need to have him impeached from the North Pole Head Quarters before it’s too late”
The Jessantar – on the nice list