Shag Carpets Introduced across UCD

Students returned to UCD earlier this week to discover the floor in each campus building had been laid with new shag carpets. The carpet style, which hurdled out of date somewhere around 1995, is expected to surely come back into style any day in the near future the UCD administration decided.

‘We thought the students would like it,’ said a representative of the college. ‘We were trying to do something nice and cool’. The Students’ Union treated the news as further evidence that the administration is out of touch with the needs and interests of the student body. ‘This is worse than the administration’s You-CD initiative last year, where each day a different student got to pick a CD to pipe across the campus’ explained one SU hack.

Students were not impressed, stating they had wanted a smoother return from the break. ‘Some of us had a hard midterm’ said one student. ‘I’m still reeling from the news about Martin McGuinness. Who can believe his middle name was Pacelli?’

‘I hate it. It rains and the carpets become soaked and filthy from people’s shoes,’ said another student. ‘UCD is disgusting now’. Other students said they like the carpet. ‘I think the carpet’s a good idea,’ said one. ‘It is too dirty though’.

The decision to spend €35 million refitting the entirely of each hallway, lecturer hall and tutorial room in every building on the campus with the shag carpets is thought have been a top priority for UCD for some years now. Speaking to the Turbine one administration source stated that ‘we weighted it up over a period of months, the decision essentially came down to refurbishing the Newman Building or re-kitting the entire campus with carpet floors. In the end the choice was simple’ they outlined.

‘The future plans for the Newman Building now is basically just wait until it entirely collapses in on itself and then to start from scratch, that way we’ll be saving on the cost of knocking it down’ the Tierney building drone detailed.

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Karl O’Reilly  Turbine Editor

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