College Tribune

Independent UCD News

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Sports Minister Shane Ross Accidentally Pledges Increased Sports Funding to ‘Rowing Hero’ Gary Hutch

In the latest name foul-up for the Minister for Sport, Shane Ross issued a press release this morning pledging to increase the funding currently available for Irish Rowers, as well as vowing to increase individual player supports for several elite…

Duffy to Install Live Dragon at Áras an Uachtaráin if Elected President

In one of the more surprising announcements to come out of the Ploughing Championships in Offaly last week, presidential hopeful Gavin Duffy raised the bar for his fellow candidates by promising to install a live Dragon into the Áras if…

Michael D. Higgins Expenses Revealed!

The Turbine has single-handedly managed to get a hold of a leaked report on the current president’s expenses that was prepared for a private viewing of the Public Accounts Committee. The details, as I’m sure you will agree, will shock…

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New Housemate Thinks You’ll Love His Society

When Seán arrived in the Fresher’s Tent at the start of the week, he was immediately accosted by his new housemate, Barry, who seemed terribly excited about his society. ‘Hi, Seán, it’s great to see you, mad how we’d bump…

Is Your Toddler Scared of the Dark? They’re Probably Racist

Have you ever wondered why your toddler is afraid of the dark? The usual reason people think their toddler gets scared at night is because of monsters under the bed, or nightmares, or being afraid of tripping over something on…

Catholic Church to Trial Avocado Communion in Bid to Appeal to Millennials

In a press conference in the Vatican yesterday, Cardinal José Fernando announced several new measures that would be trialed by the Catholic Church in order to appeal more to Millennials. “Millennials think differently from the generations before them” remarked Cardinal…

A Culchie’s Review of Dublin Comic Con Anime Edition

Now in its 6th year, Dublin Comic Con has established itself as one of the most anticipated events in the Irish calendar. Last weekend saw the first ever Anime Edition of the convention, with more of a focus on all…

How To Speak to An American

You’re in college so chances are you’ve happened across one of our American cousins. Until now, you’ve only ever seen an American in movies like “Police Academy 2” and “When Harry Met Sally”. Unless of course you’re from D4, in…

5 things You Can Say About Trump That You Can Also Say About The Bee Movie

Tired of having to think of different ways to describe current President of the United States and the 2007 Dreamworks animated comedy? Now you don’t have to be. Here are 5 phrases you can work into any conversation about current…

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Tiny Fluffy Puppy made redundant following Mind, Body & Soul

A tiny fluffy puppy has been left heartbroken this week following a compulsory lay-off action by his employer. The axing comes in the wake of the Mind Body +&/ Soul Festival held on the Belfield Campus from Tuesday to Thursday…

SU condemnation of UCD student

The Turbine can now confirm that UCD SU have issued a posthumous condemnation of a former Medicine student, Kevin Barry, for what has been deemed violent protest. On the morning of September 20th 1920, Barry was involved in an ambush…

Ginger separatists organise in UCD

It has recently come to the attention of the Turbine that a small group of revolutionaries have taken up residence in the bowels of UCD. The group, pharmacy who title themselves as the “Ginger Separatist Movement” or GSM, have been…