Loïc Wright documents the  rise of Crystal Phallus, viagra who have been enjoying a barnstorming run in this years Saturday Division 1.

They say the Phallites are descended from Hercules himself, generic they fear the mighty roar of Michael ‘I just ate a burrito in sixty-eight seconds’ O’Malley downing a pint. Even the Critical Theory books has dedicated chapters to ‘The Signification of The Phallus.’ the Mighty Phallus is much more than a football squad, it’s a way of life.

Made up of key men who have often appeared at the top of Sir Alex Ferguson’s scouting reports, such as Caolán ‘my ears are not a toilet’ Quinn, Eoin ‘Mooresy’ Moore and Jack ‘Noodle’ Mc Carthy, the Phallus have been rocking both the nets of opposition goals and the Diceys dance-floor since early 2013, the latter most notable carried out by Jamie ‘Gicker kicker’ Murphy.

Following a tough first season as the new kids on the block and the loss of Kev Connaughton, Briain ‘The Machine’ Keenan and Somhairle ‘Frenchman’ Greene and former manager Niall ‘why did I decide to try coach these spanners’ McDermott, the Phallus returned to the UCD Superleague in mighty form with a 6-2 victory over sworn rivals FTO Athletic. Before the celebratory hangovers had cured a week later, the Phallites emerged once more as victors in an 11-3 win over the aptly-named, Sound Crew.

This newfound success has been attributed to a number of factors, the recruitment of several new players including Oliver ‘Green Balls’ Ind as a substitute for Loïc ‘if it’s a one-on-one I’m letting it go in’ Wright in goals, Donal ‘I shift her out of courtesy’ Meaney and defensive rock Cian ‘Sun-glasses’ Wogan.

In addition to these new names among the team is a widespread grasp of social media including Twitter and Facebook pages, with Seán ‘but a pint has 300 calories’ Smith and Denis ‘Browner’ Healy at the helm. Furthermore the adoption of strict training routines consisting of Fifa and burritos has allowed the Phallus to climb the ladder of physiological success.

Currently under the ingenious managerial guidance of Daniel ‘DOD’ O’Dwyer, the Phallus maintain a W-W-L record so far this season having most recently lost to the politically-named Colonel Getafe. With a defensive back four of Dan Hunt, ‘Stingray’ Webster, Daragh ‘Wilbur-Franno’ Walsh and Colin ‘Ladykiller’ Kiernan that would make Messi tremble the Phallus have begun their season with a bang. Not a literal one though.

Rumours have recently circulated concerning Phallite forward Kyongho Choi being the eventual reason for Neuer’s premature retirement. Recent interviews with Andrea Pirlo have revealed that his much sought after style is in fact based entirely on the stylistic proclivity exhibited by The Phallus’ very own AJ Ferris.

Leading football critics have dubbed Phallus’ techniques as unconventional but effective, most notably during the victory over FTO Athletic, during which Phallus Fanta-head Eoghan ‘Spoony’ Coffey warned opposition striker and former Phallus left back Eoghan Keogh, “you’ll never score, our keeper is taking your sister to the debs!”

Pundits have also speculated on forward Dan ‘The Boyfriend’ O’Leary for his incredible speed and overall presence on the pitch, thinking him to be a genetically-engineered hybrid between avid Crystal Phallus fan Victor Wanyama and Italian shot-rocket Mario Balotelli. The O’Leary Eoin ‘Twinkle-Toes’ Kavanagh combo up front has provided the Phallus with an unparalleled striking force, assisted by Alan ‘Altierntop’ Tierney in Centre Midfield. Colm ‘Das Booty’ Godfrey maintains the best ‘minutes on the pitch to goals’ ratio in the history of the sport.

A barnstorming 7-0 defeat of the Dirk Kuyt Rises on Saturday will the Crystal Phallus strut their stuff in the Aviva for their next home fixture. Martin O’Neil and Roy Keane would do well to head along to pick up some pointers.

Though nobody can be sure what the future holds for this inappropriately-named football establishment, one thing is for sure, the Phallus is not here to take part, but to take over.

Conor
Sports Editor |News Writer |Campus.ie UCD Editor