College Tribune

Independent UCD News

Turbine

The Turbine does: Exams

Well, buy viagra it had to happen someday. Winter is coming, the air has a chill to it, and exam season is almost upon us. Thankfully, the Turbine is on hand to teach you all exactly how to pass your exams, every single time.

The most important phase is the preparation. You need a good playlist to study to, since everyone knows that music helps you study in the same way I’m a better driver when I’m drunk. It’s proven fact. Lyrics are particularly vital as they will give you something to focus on that is far more important than the Hypothesis T Tests you’re struggling with. We recommend upbeat classics like Ah-Ha’s Take on Me, Live to Win by Paul Stanley and You Raise Me Up by either Michael Bubbles or Josh Groban.

Now that the tunes are sorted you need to clear your mind completely of everything else you need to do. This process is known as procrastination.  If you can even think of a chore that needs to be done, it’s far better to do it than have it niggling away at the back of your head. Similarly, make sure you get in touch with all your friends to see how their getting on with their studying before telling them that you’re about to start.

The actual process of studying is an individual’s quest to seek knowledge that they already know. It’s all in there; you just have to drag it out. Remember you’re no longer in a tutorial; there won’t be a judgemental friend sitting beside you who will call you out for answering the hapless tutors question.  You are free to be as smart as you want.

Exam Time. When you arrive at the RDS you can stand and survey the people around you. They are all in this with you, and you can tell how prepared they are. The Crammers in the pointless “study area” which is about as quiet as D2 on a student night, the Colossal Failures who have resigned themselves to the fact that they are going to repeat and seem to be hell-bent on bringing as many down with them as possible. The Smug Bastards who think they know absolutely everything and can recite the entire recommended reading list off by heart. Don’t worry about these people, just practice the Turbine Method. They’re all screwed, you’re the only one that will do well. Repeat this mantra and be as bitter as possible before going in.

Once you’re in there, you’re going to experience a period of intense calm, or overwhelming panic. Whatever the case, focus on something that calms you down. It can be anything, Josh Groban’s sweet, sweet vocals, the overly attractive exam supervisor in yoga pants, the guy next to you chugging Red Bulls or the majestic tonality of the guy who makes the pre-exam announcements. Just try to make sure that you stay in the exam hall, mentally and literally

You will be handed a booklet of paper. This is normal, it’s your exam remember? Just follow your instincts, your training, your study and that last bit of advice that always sticks in your head just before you go in. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Unless you’re in Stats for Economics. Then you’re screwed.

 

– Andrew Dorman

LEAVE A RESPONSE

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *