College Tribune

Independent UCD News

Turbine

UCD President Revealed As The Emperor | Turbine

Shock rang out around Belfield campus today, as the galaxy’s most notorious villain was revealed to work at UCD. Following months of undercover investigation, The Turbine can now confirm that UCD’s President is in fact Emperor Palpatine. 

Following a disgraced career as a Sith Lord, sources suggest that The Emperor took sanction in South Dublin to train up a new generation of evil followers. So far, students have actually fallen for this stupid ruse.

“I couldn’t believe the news!” said one Fresher, “but I suppose I should’ve guessed by that black hooded cloak he always wears.” 

“Sometimes he would cackle in the corridors or ominously float over the lakes,” said one staff member, “but I never expected this plot twist!”

It is understood that the Emperor has been using something called “the force” to manipulate UCD management into making really stupid decisions in recent years. 

Confidential documents revealed to The Turbine show that The Emperor was funnelling most of his salary into an unknown project called “The Death Star 3”. Blueprints discovered in his office show the space station targeting Trinity College Dublin, alongside scribbled writings saying: “Trinners are NOT winners.” 

Sources also suggest that increases in on-campus rents were being transferred into an account labelled “University Club (Not Evil)”.

Allegedly, The Emperor introduced the strict ‘no-swimming’ rule in the main UCD lake to hide the location of his secret lair. Belfield’s Swans, who are believed to be in on all this, declined to comment but gave a big “honk” as they chased down our undercover reporters.

It is unclear how much meddling has been done by the villain in recent years, but experts say the university has been “absolutely fucked” by his various shadowy plots.

 

El Presidente – Turbine Maniac

LEAVE A RESPONSE

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *