Many current UCD Students have been enquiring as to what the ‘Voluntary’ student centre levy is being used for as the student centre remains closed.
At the Turbine, we decided to partake in a little investigatory journalism to see where the student centre levy is going. In order to detect fraudulent activity, lakeside swans were lured with chicken fillet rolls, and once caught were fitted with high tech cameras and audio-visual equipment. No animals were harmed throughout this investigation, although some swans bloated from excessive carb consumption, which somewhat interfered with the quality of the footage.
At approximately 2:40 Am on September 1st, 2020, the outline of what appears to be President Amadeus Deekz, was caught on Swan Cam. He is seen exiting UCD student Centre, holding two heavy haversacks. The footage then shows the balding male rummage in the sacks, pulling out wads of cash and sniffing them. When playing the footage one can also detect what sounds like a stereotypical villainous laugh, followed by ‘SWEET STUDENT LEVY FEES. COME TO PAPPA’. Although this footage was incriminating enough, we felt further corroborating evidence was necessary.
We decided to speak to some of the staff at UCD library to retrieve further information about the Student Levy which may have been ‘resting in Deekz’ Account.’ We received some very defensive responses ranging from ‘I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT’, ‘to ‘YOU WILL HAVE TO KILL ME BEFORE I SAY ONE WORD. NOW GET OUT OF THE SPECIAL COLLECTIONS BEFORE I FINE YOUR ASS’.
Eventually we decided to speak to the shady lord of the Short loans. Libro Cop. Although Libro Cop was reluctant to speak at first, a little bribery went a long way. He would not accept money but exchanged his anonymity / information in return for a token student to reprimand for breaking faux library regulations. ‘That’s the one thing I miss most of all. The thrill of corporal Punishment’.
He confirmed. ‘The Student Levy? Why that’s for Deekz’ Mansion in a secret spot outside campus. It has everything in it… An indoor Jacuzzi, a Casino, a parking space for his private jet. Some of the best staff parties happen in that spot, champagne, nibbles, and sometimes…well I shouldn’t say it.’. We threw in the promise of extended library opening hours to retrieve further essential information. ‘All sorts of exotic women. Sometimes he throws Gatsby themed parties in the converted Clinton institute at night. I rarely get invited’.
Mr Deekz had no comment to make on the above information. Further formal enquiries will take place in June 2021.
The Jessanatar – Author of Dark Alliance