A lot of people nowadays are delighted we are exiting level five of lockdown…
…but I am telling you folks, there is very little to be gained from re-entering civilisation. The positive facets of level five are too plentiful for me to relish returning to the new normal. Here have been some of the highlights for me:
- Fully embracing your Au Natural look – Tweezers / razors are for chumps! If you don’t look like Tarzan’s lover Jane with a hormone imbalance by the end of Lockdown, you are doing things wrong. Slide those hairy legs into a pair of sweatpants for extra comfort.
- Deliveroo – Your cyclist should by now have very well-defined calf muscles and toned abs from all the trips he’s made to your gaff with exotic brunches. Hell, sometimes you might text him because you are lonely, and sure he might tell you he is filing a restraining order, but he’s just playing hard to get! In lockdown you can ignore social norms and just go for it. It is the end of the world after all.
- Masking up – I think masks are a great asset as they mask bad breath/hide facial deformities/acne and who needs to wear their orthodontic appliances? Buck teeth are a thing of the past.
- Socialising– I’m more social now than I ever was pre lockdown. I count on my more extroverted friends to organize zoom dates and remain present on the call mute, sweat pant clad, and silently observing. Similarly, online dating offers an opportunity to review your potential partner prior to meeting with them. It will save you from the inevitable faking a family emergency / pepper spraying them/ making awkward conversation about how budgies are secretly telepathic (they are you know)
- Work – Working from home completely abolishes the outdated concept of work life balance. You can just let all those hours become one homogenous blob. As opposed to merely thinking about work in your free time, you can now actually work in your free time! Best of all being reprimanded by your manager on zoom is much better than being reprimanded in real life. My glasses and face now remain spittle free! You can simply turn down the volume on a tyrannical speech/fake bad connection, or best of all play happy 80s theme tunes to muffle your pain.
‘YOURE AN INCOMPETETENT BUFOON!’
‘You put the boom boom into my heart ?!You send my soul sky high when your lovin’ starts…’
Although overall I welcome the vaccine, I can’t say I relish the idea of the new normal. I’m aiming to live each day as if it’s my last and luxuriate in the plentiful gifts lock down has to offer.
The Jessanatar – Pessimistic Optimist