In a shocking turn of events, Greg Fields, a twenty-year-old first-year Ag Science student was shot outside of the Ag Science building last week and remains in hospital after he sustained kneecap-threatening injuries. The incident unfolded just after his third class of the day, with Gardaí reporting that one of his peers travelled home to retrieve his father’s shotgun after becoming enraged after seeing how Fields was dressed that morning.
As it turned out, Fields had made a near-fatal mistake when he made his clothing choices that day, with the infamous ‘Agri Yob’ group deeming his jeans and sweatshirt combo unacceptable.
So much so that they resorted to drastic and violent measures in response to him failing to dress ‘appropriately.’ A spokesperson for the ‘Agri Yob’ group has stated that the shooting was not representative of their organisation, instead blaming a splinter group who have taken their O’Neills attire requirements to the extreme.
”We just ask lads to wear a jersey or bottoms or something ya know?” stated the spokesperson. “But these lads have taken things too far. One fella was beaten within an inch of his life last year when he was seen in a suit and tie. He was at his grandmother’s funeral like.”
The splinter group took full responsibility for the attack, and have maintained their stance that all Ag Science students should be compelled to wear full O’Neills attire both during class and at social events. They further stated that feint body odour and boots that smell like cow shit are encouraged in order to maintain the ‘sacred’ farmer look.
They reiterated that lads who “look like they’re about to go shopping or some other Dublin shite” should not be permitted to study Ag Science and that the dangers of individual expression within the agricultural community could have serious knock-on effects, such as intelligence.
Fields has stated that he plans to return to UCD following his recovery, and is planning to change to an arts degree so that he is shot for his opinions instead of his dress sense.
Jack Nolnod – Turbine Editor
