Fearing that their recent email didn’t scare enough students into suppressing their remaining bliss, Estate Services announced plans today to ensure that UCD College Christmas truly resembles a Mormon convention. We all know that someone (Sharon) who hasn’t cracked a smile since the divorce in 08 and now recoils at the thought of anyone else enjoying themselves. One of the best parts of Christmas is going home and getting to their prolonged rants. Luckily for all our students far from home, Estates have volunteered to be that annoying pest this festive season, ensuring that nobody misses out on the true Christmas spirit: bitterness.
Specially trained “fun marksmen” will be set up on the roof of the Tierney building, ready to eliminate any student who laughs, smiles or looks like they may look optimistic in the future. Students who are suspected of consuming alcohol will have the next three generations of their families banned from entering Dublin 4. (in line with the UCD Policy on the Consumption of Alcohol on Campus, revised 2024)
The Fun Police (unofficially known as Estate Services) will roam Belfield, enforcing these new regulations. They’re taking ‘Silent Night’ literally this year, ensuring it’s not just a song but an enforced campus policy. Students in Smurfit can do whatever they want; nobody remembers them anyway. The College Tribune has already been heavily fined for placing decorations in the office, and a gag order has been placed on the college papers, blocking any insinuation that this Thursday is dissimilar to any other Thursday.
But here at the Turbine, we remain unwavering and as committed as ever to reporting the truth in the face of adversity. See you all on the other side…
For legal reasons and because Estates can’t take a joke, this is one
By Yash Murph – Turbine Fun Correspondent
