Let Al reach out and touch you…

Send your questions to [email protected]

Generous of time or put simply, mind unemployed. Tallaght’s local treasure Al Porter kindly corresponds to those who write to him seeking advice. Those correspondences are herein laid bare with dual purpose – that they might provide some comfort to others whose lives are similarly pathetic, and that they might entertain those far better off.

This week, Al addresses sexual concerns.

Q: Dear Al, I’m your average nineteen year old straight lad. But, I’ve had a hankering sexual curiosity about men. I’m thinking about exploring this. Should I? Curious Gav.

A: Hi Curious Gav, I’ll be terse. Of course you should!
I’ve sent you a private email with my details and phone number. If you can’t open the attached images let me know.

Yours, Al


Q: Al, I’m an addict and it’s ruining my life. I just can’t get off Grindr. It has me obsessing over sex. I read news headlines about Ed Snowden and the National Security Agency, and all I see are grindr profiles…
‘NSA Whistlebower Exposed’, ‘NSA Whistleblower Seeks Asylum’, ‘Whistleblower Seeks Same; must be discrete’, ‘Whistleblower seeks diplomat; must be able to accom.’
It’s Ryanair whistleblowers too…. I stumbled upon the Dispatches documentary about it, shamefully looking for a film with the same title, ‘Secrets from the Cockpit.’
Everything’s tainted.
My social skills are holding me back…I went to the Workmans Club the other night and I didn’t know how to open up a conversation. You can’t just ask them for face pics, can you? Rather than go over to my mates, I chose who I wanted to talk to based on their distance from me, and sometimes I’d pathetically keep two or three conversations going at the same time in the hope that one of them might show me their cock! As if they’d just take it out there and then. It’s Workmans, not Coppers!
Please help me. How can I get my life back from this app?!

Yours,

Distressed Topless Torso

A: Woah man, calm down my darling! You’re not alone! With online dating, for a long time the only thing I could connect to was a server! Snapchat, Facetime, Chatroulette! It had been years since I’d used a webcam without the frustration of some stranger clicking ‘next’ and disconnecting! I was so disgusted with my behaviour, I even went to an ex-gay meeting advertised as ‘Sodom Today, Straight Gomorrah.’ Foolishly, I didn’t even realise the straights were addicted to Blendr too. How did I beat the digital sex pestery? The gym.


If I felt like using grindr, I’d go to the gym and channel my sexual frustration. Rooms full of sweat, homoerotic bromance and repression. Ironically, many of these new mates were on grindr just looking for ‘gym buddies.’ I’m grindr free, addicted to the gym and filling every waking moment with elaborate regimes that don’t give me time to consider how lonely I am. Success, right?

Al Porter hosts Rammed on Monday’s fortnight in the Woolshed on Parnell Street. Tickets €5 for students.