After the sweeping reforms announced by Higher Education Minister Simon Harris at the beginning of the year, the now former University College Dublin President Andrew Deeks has been replaced by controversial anti-mask conspiracy nut Dolores Cahill. Under the new reforms, Harris was able to replace Deeks with Cahill in a striking move to encourage a return to on-campus activity.
Cahill’s rise to power
Cahill has been no stranger to headlines, with her crazy antics over the last few weeks going viral (pun intended) since the beginning of the pandemic. Since her anti-lockdown ‘gathering’ in mid-March, Cahill was added to Harris’ radar a potential replacement for Deeks, as her beliefs would see a rise in the numbers of students on campus.
Speaking to The Turbine, Cahill said that she is looking forward to students being able to return to a safe working environment on campus. This lockdown is based on lies,” Cahill said. “Our elderly are not prisoners. Micheál Martin [and the government] have to provide evidence to put masks on our children. It is a disgrace.”
“There is no such thing as asymptomatic carriers,” she said. “Teachers are not to be enforcing masks on children,” Cahill said. “These children will not reach their IQ potential, because they are not getting the oxygen [that their brains need’. The reason they tell us to wear masks is that oxygen-deprived people are easy to control.”
Deeks takes over as the new UCDSU President
Since his removal from the presidency of the college on Thursday morning, Deeks put in a final bid for the highest position in the University College Dublin Students’ Union (UCDSU). Due to the glitches experienced during day one of polling, Deeks’ last-minute run for a nomination for UCDSU President was not only successful, but he was successfully elected to the presidency by the end of polling.
So far ahead was his lead over other candidates, Ruairi Power, Edward Leonard and Liam Coyle, that they were able to call the election at 12pm on Thursday April 1st, as it was mathematically impossible for any of the other candidates to catch up to the former UCD President.
Second place candidate Power was shocked by the result, as he went into the election with the only real bid to the position in the first place. “I just can’t believe it,” Power told The Turbine. “I mean, I was ahead in the polls for so long, and then this old man comes out of nowhere, is added to the ballot on the second day of voting and earns more votes than there are registered students at the University? I’m calling some strong Bullsh*t here!”
The votes that Power referred to were the reason that the election was able to be called so early. Deeks had won over 500,000 votes in the four hours since he had been added to the ballot. No explanation was given for the sheer numbers of votes that could not have come from UCD students; they were merely accepted by Returning Officer Stephen Crosby, and Deeks was confirmed as the new UCDSU President.
When asked about his out-of-nowhere victory, Deeks only uttered a series of guttural chirps and squeaks. It is unknown whether or not he has even registered what has happened, or if he even intended to run for the position.
Stevo Billy KG – Public Mouthpiece for Lizard People