Loic Wright follows the recent exploits of Superleague high-flyers Crystal Phallus

What’s more frightening than winner of the Mr. Phallus 2014 award, viagra Michael O’Malley, dressed up as an 80’s personal trainer, wearing his mother’s tights for Halloween? Or the mighty Crystal Phallus out in triumphant form, which is exactly what this week’s victims, PA systems and footballer themed outfit, Turn Your Maicon were subjected to.

Emerging from the depths of their post-night-out slumber, led by interim manager Daniel O’Dwyer, still clad in a highly inappropriate Mr. T costume, the Phallus took to the pitch for one of their most eventful games this season. With several players out due to the harsh realities of essay season, the Phallus hit a footballing goldmine with current goalkeeper, Lucas Mulcahy, rumoured to have told Manuel Neuer “you need to run out of the box more.”

The match began with the Phallites trailing 1-0 for the best part, or decidedly worst part, of half an hour. It wasn’t long before Colm Godfrey snuck an equalizer at the opposing goalkeeper’s near post, prophesizing an onslaught of goals from the Phallus. Next up for the glory was Michael O’Malley, under the guise of outdated fitness instructor K. C. Jackson with a sweetly placed strike, making it 2-1 for the Phallus just before the half-time arrival of the orange segments.

The second half began intensely following another goal from Phallus shot-rocket Kyongho Choi. With hard-man Jack McCarthy at the helm of the defense, conceding a second goal seemed an impossibility. Ensuring this tight-knit defense was Daragh Walsh, having at one point held off a three-on-one, not to be confused with the popular Chinese culinary delight, though he can handle both with ease.

At 3-1, with the Phallites were in comfortable control, goalkeeper Mulcahy decided to further his travels and broaden his mind by floating around the half-way line and launching through-balls to striker Dan O’Leary.  A penalty given away by the opposition allowed Jamie Murphy to step up and put Phallus 4-1 up. As the game came to a close, Phallus forward Caolán Quinn slotted a comfortable fifth home, marking good a historic comeback for the team.

As the Crystal Phallus continue their conquest of Europe, several facts have come to light; Colm Godfrey still maintains his unparalleled ‘time on the pitch to goal’ ratio, The Phallus are the only team to have an incredibly inappropriate mascot in the form of Mr. T and that no other team has a right-back like Daragh Walsh, ready to take his fake tooth out if it means upping the defense in order to preserve the lead