Due to a severe shortage of Covid tests, some patients opted for strange measures.  The Covid testing site based deep in the Courtown forest, was just one of many strange consequences of the Coronavirus crisis, and gained national news coverage, as the Irish public entered phase two of restrictions. These scam testing sites popped up all across the country, bringing plenty of tourism to previously unheard-of villages, such as Moon Coin.

Many of the patients that received testing at these sites, returned with strange mannerisms and aubergine shaped skulls. On one or two occasions younger patients abruptly left their hometown with absolutely no explanation. This is out of character for any Irish youngster under 30. Jesus didn’t move out till he was 30 right?!

Despite reassurances from the government that the coronavirus test was in fact an invasive procedure, which could cause some patients to have traumatic flashbacks, the families of the sample test groups still refused to accept this fact. We spoke to several distressed Irish mammies at the scene.

“Proinsius left on Friday night, coughing and spluttering up a storm. I said g’wan down to the Courtown forest there and get yerself a test! He came back cross eyed and even more of a gobshite than when he left! Always drooling, and staring! He used ta love my mashed spuds and now he crushes rats outside and grills em. Says that’s what they do in Korea?” said Gillian O’Fortuchain (Mother of Proinsius)

“I got a text off Barry, saying he was going off with that protestant one up the north and that he wasn’t coming back. Dam right he’s not coming back!” said Alan Walsh (Father of Barry).

The Turbine decided to interview receivers of the test .Out of the sample group of 8 people, only 3 realised an interview was taking place, 2 of which were drooling profusely.

“I got into the Van, and a strange looking doctor came over to me. Longest arms I’d ever seen, and his skin was a wee bit green, but I didn’t want to be racist. He said it wouldn’t hurt that much, and me ma said that she got the test and it’s very invasive. He didn’t use swabs just his long wiggly finger, but I guess you don’t get anything in life for free. He went so far up my nostril it felt like he was tickling my brain, so I kicked him in the Balls and ran for it.  My ma made me write to Leo Varadkar after, and apologise for Kicking one of our national heroes in the goolies, but there was something weird about it all I swear!” said Pamela Jordan.

Approximately one week into phase two of the national plan, a large mob of mammies congregated together and decided something was awry. Venturing into the forest, they noticed the site was completely empty and glub like slime coated the trees.  Prime minister Micheal Martin refused to comment at this time, but rumour has it the group were paid a hefty compensation to cover up the strange scandal and compensate for the invasive procedure.

“Ya the Covid pay-for-brains scheme, was kind to us. If them “doctors “ are coming back tell em I have a daughter too,” said an anonymous local man.

Locals have reported what appears to have been FBI agents at the Courtown amusement park or on the local beach, investigating what has rumoured to have been “Extra terrestrial activity”. “Those aliens have a lot to answer for, taking our jobs, taking our women, taking our brains. Tis not right!” Local farmer Jimmy Murphy exclaimed.

Civilians have been asked to remain on the look out for those who have received the scam tests, as they should remain isolated. Refusal to wear a mask, drooling, and protesting against social distancing are just some of the symptoms lobotomised receivers of the test are exhibiting. I must advise all readers to stay safe in doors and report any strange activities to your local gardai (except not during doughnut break, lunch break or before half five in small towns)

God Speed!

Jessica McCarthy – Alien Investigative Reporter