As the ongoing Coronavirus reaches its peak, The Turbine decided to interview families which had been negatively affected by the COVID-19 pandemic. We focused on a few sample middle class areas of Dublin, such as Terenure, Clontarf and Stillorgan.
One middle-aged couple based in Terenure kindly agreed to participate in this interview, but the results were not as we expected… “Oh my gawsh this is the break we have been waiting 15 years for!”
She briefly composed herself before continuing, “myself and my husband were at risk, and our son Daithi is majoring in drama and liberal arts… and we support him one hundred per cent, he will be the next Paul Mescal but… It’s just he’s 37 now, and we know it’s much more difficult to get a niche role as a mature actor, you know?”
“But I digress, myself and Daniel we really were at risk, what with our age and Daniel’s underlying health condition… Daithi had a “studio apartment”, in our basement but we don’t know how these things spread and we really couldn’t take risks”.
Interestingly, a similar reaction was displayed by other interviewees. We spoke to one Dublin 3 resident who wishes to remain anonymous. “My youngest daughter was begging me to stay, ‘But Da You are only 45, and you coach our local GAA Club five nights a week’, I had to remind her the corona doesn’t discriminate by age and booted her out by the arse”.
Reports have shown that these ill-equipped millennials have not fared well in the “real world”. Mocha mania and frappé withdrawals are but one of the myriads of symptoms faced by our dispersed youths throughout this corona crisis. “Ah, Jim is not faring well at all, to be honest… Sure last week he spent all 100 Euro of his life savings on 40 cans of beans only to realise that there were no tabs on the lids. Nobody had taught him how to use a can opener. By the time he came home he looked like the poster child for the Easter concern money box! He left our house with moobs!” said an anonymous Fairview father. Other concerned parents confessed to their adult children “never having washed their own clothes”.
“The Gobshite shrank all his clothes. Left them spinning in the dryer for 6 hours. I told him yeh need to stretch your denims. Pelvic thrusting to the timewarp a couple of times should leave them nice and roomy for him,” said Imelda Meagher, a concerned nanny of three.
Tanaiste Leo Varadkar remained suspicious of the rising levels of Coronavirus in Dublin once more, maintaining that we could not progress to phase 4 as a nation if we were to continue to carry on like this. Oddly the prevalence of “Co-vid parties”, in middle-class areas was noted by Varadkar. “We were forced to break up these illegal gatherings using brutal force, and regrettably sometimes tasering. But these groups were made up of people who were certainly old enough to know better!”
After doing a little digging, we managed to uncover and speak to the leader of the new republican group, the “Parental Republican Army”, or the PRA as it is colloquially known.
“So What we want a little ‘Us Time’ yeh? The Wife and I are married 20 years, and I can’t remember the last time I had a proper shag without worrying about that little snowflake living in our converted shed. So Yeah! I host the Corona-Parties, I cough all over Tesco and lick the handles on our local bus. Yeah, my mask has tiny wee pinprick holes in it… But it’s for the good of the country?!! Lay-about wasters the lot of them,” revealed the group’s charismatic leader, who wished to remain anonymous.
Overall our findings suggest that the conclusion of the pandemic may lead to the eradication of the adult child dilemma. Many UCD Professors have confirmed that the potential eradication of 75 per cent of Dublin’s millennial population could have a positive impact on the economy, our environment and population control in general. “Fewer papers to correct”. We at the Turbine cautiously await further developments.
The Jessanatar – Millennial Issues Correspondent