Loic Wright

Following an almighty eruption of footballing success enjoyed by The Phallus, the Phallites received a well earned but unnecessary break over Christmas. The bells rang out for for the new year, (like in that Guinness ad , you know, the one with the fox), drawing 2014 to a close, ending the chapter on a mighty year for our inappropriately-names football heroes. The year began in a fashion not dissimilar to that of Conor McGregor, a well known Phallite who has been spotted training with the Phallus when he’s not busy clattering Dennis Siver around the place. Furthermore, the live-streaming of the Crystal Phallus 12 Pubs on Snapchat proved a sensational hit among fans, showing up as one of those annoying little snapchat story things nobody wants to see but clicks on to get rid of the icon.

Several friendly matches took place over the Christmas period to ensure the other teams hadn’t lost their ability to lose embarrassingly to the Phallus. The team was faced by Turn Your Maicon once more only to be trounced a gentleman’s 12-1. Next for the chopping block were long-time rivals FTO…when will they learn? Once more they were stricken down in a gut-wrenching defeat. The most recent victory enjoyed by the Phallus was against…really?…Fook her right in Debuchy…seriously who comes up with these names? That’s just dirty and unpleasant…and self-explanatory. The match began with a goal for Debuchy, and though the Phallus soon equalised, they conceded two more goals making it a certain 3-1 defeat, but the magical feet of Dan O’Leary ensured the concluding 5-3.

The Phallus currently await the arrival of a new kit, with official sponsors, The Woolshed…I’m hoping if I include their name I’ll get a voucher or some free chicken wings or something. Anything really. Pundits suspect that once this new kit arrives, the Phallus will become unstoppable, striking fear into the already shaken opposition. We all agree so just give us first place now sure. The mighty explosion of success that has begun this new year begs the question: what will 2015 hold for Crystal Phallus?…



It’s victory.