Fearing that their recent email didn’t scare enough students into suppressing their remaining bliss, UCD Estate Services announced plans today to ensure that UCD College Christmas truly resembles a Mormon convention. We all know a certain someone (usually named Sharon)—who hasn’t cracked a smile since the divorce in ’08 and now recoils at the sight of anyone else enjoying themselves. One of the best parts of Christmas is going home to endure their prolonged rants, but luckily for students far from home, Estate Services have stepped up to fill that role, ensuring nobody misses out on the true meaning of Christmas: bitterness..
Snipers will be set up on the roof of the Tierney building, ready to eliminate any student who laughs, smiles or looks like they may look optimistic in the future. Students who are suspected of consuming alcohol will face immediate expulsion and public flogging (in line with the UCD Policy on the Consumption of Alcohol on Campus, revised 2024).
The Fun Police (unofficially known as Estate Services) will roam Belfield, enforcing these new regulations. They’re taking ‘Silent Night’ literally this year, ensuring it’s not just a song but an enforced campus policy. On another note, an official press release stated that students in Smurfit can do whatever they want; nobody remembers them anyway. The College Tribune has already been fined for placing decorations in the office, and a gag order has been placed on all college papers, blocking any insinuation that this Thursday is dissimilar to any other Thursday.
But here at the Turbine, we remain unwavering and as committed as ever to reporting the truth in the face of adversity. I hope to see you all raving in the woods.
Please note that the Turbine will award a cash prize to the person who causes the most damage to Glenomena this year.
Yash Murph – In a Hedge Behind Merville
