In terms of the former, nowhere is more appropriate to start than the eyebrow-raising Filbert Athletic FC. Despite the unclear origins of their team name, Filbert’s ambitions for this Superleague season bear no ambiguity: “Our aim isn’t to make up the numbers. It is to knock Dartmouth Darts off their perch”. Filbert manager Philip “Big ‘Ead” Dix, employing his “tika taka” philosophy of football, has lead his side to a 100% record in their first five games as they set out to gain revenge on their bane of last season in the form of Darts who have already lost to FC Copenbadly in 2012-2013.
The weekend saw relentless Filbert destroy pointless Dyslexia Utd in a 10-1 drubbing which included a hattrick from leading goalscorer Ricky Lahart, taking his tally for the season to 11 goals. The Filbert squad take a deserved trip to Newcastle on Tuesday, where they will play a friendly fixture, with the satisfaction of a +19 goal difference registered after only six games. Dyslexia Utd, meanwhile, are one of three times without points and have conceded an average of six goals per game.
Other interesting results in Saturday Premier included a tidy 2-0 victory for third placed Benidorm Club de Futbol over Jurassic Park Ji Sung and, in the words of manager Jonathan Nolan, a “devastating” 0-6 loss for FC Twente Benson against unbeaten Clitoris Commanders.
In the Premier Sunday league, it was a case of a “lacka” players for Deportivo Lacka Talent as they gifted Inglorious Bastards a walkover victory. The Bastards, graced with international flair all over the pitch with the likes of José Dominguez at centre half, Dutchman Jelte “the maverick” Hoekstra in the centre of the park and Chilean attacker Francisco Joannon, now have three wins from four games, their one defeat coming surprisingly at the hands of The Dirk Kuyt Rises (3-4) who have otherwise failed to pick up any points this season.
A top five clash between CFR Clunge and BBT FC lived up to be a close-fought affair with two key assists from Conor Boden proving decisive in a 2-1 victory for CFR. Late pressure by BBT to equalise was mitigated when their player received a straight red card for the use of his elbow. In the day’s two mid-table clashes, Fritzl Palace and Multiple Scoregasms both picked up their second wins of the season with 1-0 and 2-0 triumphs over Olympic Real and FT Ladzio respectively. Palace can thank Hugh O’Higgins for a 90th minute 45 yard piledriver to seal victory while Scoregasms will be grateful to Ladzio player Ronald Carroll who found himself taking an early bath after picking up two yellow cards, both for dissent towards the referee.
Pacesetters Gerrupourratha don’t play until Wednesday and with 30 goals scored in four games, it could be a case of damage limitation for Fifty Shades of Bray.
Finally in Saturday Division One, after a tough midweek defeat at the hands of Pimp Juice, going down on a 6-4 scoreline, Bayer Neverloosin failed to live up to their name once again against Los Playeros. This may have been the name of the opposition, however as it transpired this was also the theme in the Neverloosin camp due to a dishevelled team set up. The team’s spiritual leader Paddy Walsh has insisted there will be a shake up in the dressing room after a comprehensive 8-1 drubbing.
By Thomas Hobbes