In what can only be described as a surprising turn of events, UCD Estates has inadvertently created an endless, infernal labyrinth while setting up the 2024 exam venue in the RDS Simmonscourt. What was initially planned as a practical solution for accommodating thousands of stressed students has morphed into what experts now describe as a “portal to the seventh circle of hell.”
Reports from survivors—sorry, attendees—suggest that once inside, the rows of identical desks stretch beyond comprehension, creating a warped sense of time and space. Several students have allegedly walked for hours only to end up back at their original desks, muttering incoherently about their calculus notes.
Eyewitness accounts describe exam invigilators who have been wandering the venue since its construction and cannot find the exit. “I went in to check the desk numbers on Monday,” one invigilator shared, clutching a cold cup of coffee, “I haven’t seen sunlight since. It’s just desks and despair in here.”
The impact on students has been profound. “I sat down, looked at my exam paper, and suddenly it was the following week,” said one student, clutching a tattered Economics textbook. “I swear I heard someone whisper, ‘Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.’ Turns out it was just the person at the next desk quoting their lecture notes, but still.”
To combat the chaos, UCD Estates has issued a campus-wide statement: “We regret any inconvenience caused by our minor spatial oversight. Students are encouraged to bring a map, a flare gun, and a bag of breadcrumbs for navigation. Good luck with your exams!”
Meanwhile, UCDSU has started a petition demanding a “less infernal” venue while students are trading stories of the mythical “exit door” that supposedly lies in the farthest corner of the hall. As of this morning, rumours have circulated of a hidden Minotaur roaming the aisles, though some insist it’s just a generously proportioned invigilator searching for the staff toilets.
In a final twist, UCD Estates announced that next year’s venue will feature “even more immersive designs,” promising to blend cutting-edge geometry with themes of existential dread. Whether students will ever emerge from this year’s venue to see it remains to be seen.
By Jack Nolnod
