In the early hours of Tuesday morning, the Turbine was informed by an anonymous caller that the swans currently residing in the UCD lake have been entirely replaced by robotic swans overnight. To confirm these claims, the Turbine sent it’s reporters to investigate. Interviews were conducted with multiple groundskeepers on duty at the time of the reported sighting. With many claiming that they were not at liberty to speak about the swans, and others denying any knowledge of their existence.

According to our investigators a groundskeeper by the name of Vladimir Benin claimed to have an intimate relationship with a swan and felt compelled to give evidence. According to Mr. Benin, the swans were made in a Chinese laboratory deep within the Confucius building, with the purpose of infiltration, sabotage and the spreading of Communist propaganda. Soon after our interview with Mr. Benin, his body was discovered in the UCD lake during the morning rush. In a recent public statement, the Gardai have said that there was no suspicion whatsoever of foul play in Mr. Benin’s death. Yet the autopsy report can confirm noticeable bite marks in the style of a beak or bill. The SU officers have also refused a formal interview, but have publicly suggested the death of Mr. Benin was orchestrated by Trinity College Dublin, yet these claims have not been confirmed. On the heels of this tip, the Tubine’s news team lay in wait outside the Confucius Institute for another potential sighting of these Communist Swan-bots. At this time our reporters can confirm that the anthem of the USSR could be heard bellowing from inside the building, alongside the honk of swans. The university has refused to comment on these reports.

 

Jerry Beans

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